Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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