Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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