my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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