some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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