no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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