I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
