rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
