Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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