Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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