and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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