you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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