you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
