I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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