who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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