May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
