Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
