I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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