So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
