note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
