y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
