I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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