Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
