You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
