If i come over, it means nothing
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
