whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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