for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
