We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
