eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
