Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize