Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
