We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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