we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
