my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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