it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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