my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
