My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
