my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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