Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
