I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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