how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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