i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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