So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
