I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
