Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
