I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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