You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
