I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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