I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
