Old men and throwing up are my life now.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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