they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
