you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
