True but thats because hes a fetus.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
