Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
