After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
