Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
