i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
