I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
