I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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