i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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