genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
two words: eviction party
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
