I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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