His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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