You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
