At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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