I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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