The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize