i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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