Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
