we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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