were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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