new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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