If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
